Goddammit, I am so stupid! So, so, so, SO stupid!! How could I be so fucking idiotic?! It shouldn't be possible!
Aw, shit, now I'm crying! Me! CRYING! Okay, well, it's not like I've never cried before, but this--I'm crying over THIS! Talk about pathetic, why don't you?
Speaking of 'pathetic' why don't I talk about what 'this' is? Fact is, these past few weeks I'd been telling myself--FOOLING myself, more accurately--that I was well-liked, that I had friends, that my life was good...
Okay. So my life IS good, but that's not the point. The point is, at some point today, I got...lost. I don't know a better word, honestly. Maybe it was the fact I saw HER and my resolve crumbled. Maybe it was because I realized something bad about myself, about the way I've been acting--truth is, lately I feel (and I may not be right) like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. I mean, I'm not lying or anything, but this outgoing, friendly-with-everyone girl is new to me. Foreign. Like, she might as well be an alien species.
I don't know how you can LIE about becoming vivacious and energetic, but if you can, I'm probably the best example of such.
I'm scared. I sort of want to go back to the way I was: introverted, shy, and withdrawn. Being so open with everyone is a terrifying roller coaster ride, and I want to get off as quick as possible.
Which brings me to my next point: you see those people--read about them in books, or see them in movies, or even walking down the hallways at school--who are so extroverted, so comfortable around everyone that almost everyone likes them, and have you ever wondered if maybe their *perfect* exteriors aren't as perfect as they seem to be?
I've sort of become that person...and when someone touched me, I could feel my resolve crumble. I could feel myself withdrawing again. My *perfect* exterior was slowly cracking, and I don't know how much longer this façade can go on for. Personally, even if this IS me, I want off this! I don't like this girl. She's new territory, and I want her to go away!!
I want the life where everyone ignored me back. Why? Because I know better than everyone that now, since I've become Miss Congeniality, I ignore someone and someone must have died, or, better yet, I get, "Why are you in such a shitty mood? You're always happy and now you're being bitchy."
Excuse me? I may have my moments, true, but I'm not a bitch! Maybe I'm just sick and tired of becoming this person I've never wanted to be! So now, I feel forced to put up my defensive walls, shielding my emotions from my exterior, because GOD FORBID a tear falls and OH MY GOD, Katie isn't perfect? GASP!!! SO hard to imagine!! Everyone, alert the media!
I want Boring Me back. Screw my 'friends.' I'm done making myself vulnerable, goddammit! I keep doing that, and each and every time I get myself burned! You'd think by now I'd have learned, but apparently not.
I used to get told by my teachers that only you can change yourself. To a certain extent it's true, but what happens if people don't like who you really are? Even scarier, what if THIS is who I am? I'm not bright and outgoing. That's never been me!
I'm not a faker. Sure, I may lie about stealing some Oreos from the pantry now and then, but I'm not a faker. I've never been one, and I hope I never will be. But it's unfathomable, this new persona...if, in fact, this is me, what if I hate MYSELF? What do you do then? It's one thing if other people don't like you, but if this is who I truly am, then how can I change?
Answer: I can't.
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