I hate myself. No, I amend that statement. I hate myself for hating myself. I hate that I get mad at others and make them feel upset just to help myself feel better. I hate that through my depression I'm pushing others away by...not wanting them to get hurt. Which is ultimately pointless, since by my trying to keep them from getting hurt, I'm ultimately driving the knife in deeper.
I've been depressed before, and it's never been like this. Ever. It's always been just depressed, depressed, depressed, non-stop...or at least until something came along to fix it. But now I'm happy then furious then excited to bawling my eyes out, then overjoyed...and it leaves me wondering--how am I actually feeling? Because it can't be normal to be this up and down all the time.
Right?
And honestly, I'm not sure whether hoping for confirmation of my non-normalcy is hurting, or helping.
And every single time I drive someone else away from me, I can hear that voice from AOL Mail going: "You've Got...A Shitty Personality!!"
And truthfully, maybe I do. Maybe I'll be entirely alone before I ultimately hear the truth. Who knows? I sure don't.
One thing I do know is, I want to get better. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I want the inner ache to go away.
Bottom line: I'll do whatever it takes. And if there's a God up there, I'll never use your name in vain again. Seriously. I swear.
