But I dreamed about you last night. Yep, it's awkward for me, too. I've had quite enough of trauma with you in person and over the phone that it really sucked when you showed up in my nightmare last night.
It went something like this:
Setting: a deserted, shadow-covered alleyway; graffiti (insulting ME, thank you very much!) splashed over Dumpsters, coloring rotting brick walls, gracing the old pavement. A huge chandelier hangs suspended overhead (I don't know why! I'm not a therapist!! You want to know, do the research!) I'm walking through it, calling out your name.
Me: Briaaaaaaaaaaaan! Briaaaaaaaaaaaan! BRIAN! Get your ASS over here!!
You: Yeah? (lounging on top of a Dumpster, a spork dangling out of your left hand) What's wrong, Katie?
Me (incredulously): What's wrong? What's WRONG?! I've been looking all over for you! Where the hell did you go off to?
You: Calm down already! I went to go get the Special Edition Pacific Rim. They were selling out and I had to have it. Obviously.
Me (indignantly): Well, excuse me for caring about your safety over your movie tastes! Why would I ever have thought you were in danger? Oh, silly me! I should have known all along that you were just putting yourself first, going off to do who-knows-what and not tell anybody about it so that at LEAST we knew--
You (stepping nearer): Yeesh. It's time's like these when I wish you'd just turn into Maya. Maya never got on my case like this--
Me: Well, that's lovely, jackass! Why don't you go ride off into the sunset with your precious Maya and then leave me alone? I'm sure she'll be very sympathetic when you go and get yourself killed and don't tell ANYONE where you went off to!
You: Would you just stop with this whole 'you're gonna get killed' stuff? It's getting on my nerves. I'm not gonna die, God!
Me: Okay, fine. Go ahead. Go be Prince Charming and you guys have fun. Don't come running back when she's broken your heart.
You (shocked): You're so mean, Katie! What, you think MAYA'S going to break my heart? Of course not! She's the sweetest, prettiest, most amazing--
Me: UGHHHH! Shut up already! If it wasn't already bad enough I'm getting in trouble because I value your safety now I have to hear about your goddamn obsession with her.
You: You're jealous, aren't you?
Me (scoffing): Me? Jealous?! Never! I simply know what'll happen--I've seen it before--and I don't want to be here when you get your heart broken. Maybe not today, maybe not this week, maybe not this month. But sooner or later she's going to hurt you deeply, and you'll get upset with me because I didn't try hard enough to warn you away. (Pausing) But funny thing, Brian: I'm starting to not care anymore. If you don't care enough about your own emotional stability to heed what I'm saying, fine. But don't expect me to sympathize with you when she stabs your heart clean in half.
You: She won't. She'd never do that!
Me: Fine, then. It's your decision; I can't MAKE you do anything. I just hope Flop Junior is relationship-savvy enough to coax you through when it happens. (Puts hands up) Go on, then, Brian. No one's stopping you from leaving.
You (hesitating): Look, maybe I--
Me: It's okay, Brian. I know. I got on your case and you want to be left alone. That's why I'm leaving.
You: Wait! You're...leaving? Why?!
Me: Because you can't have a happy-ever-after with me here, can you, silly?
You: No, that's not...that's not it.
Me: Isn't it? It is, hon. But no worries, I'm sure Maya will fix everything for you. (Waves goodbye) Have fun!!
I disappear and Brian is standing there in the alleyway, alone. The dim light bulbs hanging from the rotting street lights start to go out one-by-one, and a few seconds pass before the last one finally blinks out, encasing the street in darkness.
ARGHH! What've you done?!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
Little Things to Be Thankful For
I'm thankful for the fact that as of right now, I am completely, 100% alive. Want to know why? I just looked up the average rate of people dying per minute in the world, and well, it's A LOT. Be thankful for every moment you spend alive, while others are dying in painful or natural ways all around you.
Well, on that *positive* note, I think I'll sign off, you know, at the risk of sounding cynic.
Who am I fricking kidding? I am the Queen of Cynicism. I think it might have been a part of my DNA when I was born. Hmm, I'll have to check with Mr. Gardner tomorrow.
Au revoir,
Queen of Cynicism (who, p.s., can't pretend to be French to save her life.)
Well, on that *positive* note, I think I'll sign off, you know, at the risk of sounding cynic.
Who am I fricking kidding? I am the Queen of Cynicism. I think it might have been a part of my DNA when I was born. Hmm, I'll have to check with Mr. Gardner tomorrow.
Au revoir,
Queen of Cynicism (who, p.s., can't pretend to be French to save her life.)
"I love you"
Oh yeah? How can you *love* someone when you're only what, fifteen, sixteen? I don't understand it. Maybe I'm ignorant. Maybe I choose not to believe in such a thing. And maybe, if I'm honest with myself, maybe I don't want you to.
Don't get me wrong, I don't love you in that way. And I know you're a strong, independent (well, mostly), 'I take no bullshit' guy. I get that, and I respect it as well. But, come on. I know you, and I know for a FACT that you don't need some airhead girlfriend to 'boost your self-esteem.' (Even if said girl isn't that much of an airhead.)
Okay, well, maybe I should just come out and say it; it's not going to come out any other way, is it? Sigh. You like her. Yeah, she's my friend. Yeah, she's nice. She's smart and cool and funny and real likeable. Great. You know what else she is? She's emotionally damaged, totally on a roller coaster of emotions. She's also got secrets that can really give you a run for your money, and as if that isn't enough, she's in a bad enough place that even though she knows it's wrong, she could still...well, take advantage of your vulnerability.
Seriously? You're vulnerable all because you don't have a girlfriend? As your unofficial 'little sister' I can tell you right now that's bull shit. BULL SHIT!
And as for my statement made above, I'd like to elaborate on it. When I said you-know-who was 'emotionally damaged' that wasn't--well, it wasn't supposed to be--meant as an insult. By any means. Because let me tell you something, bro. I'm emotionally damaged for Pete's sake! I'm pretty sure everyone is, at least at some time in their (hopefully) long life. I could go into everything about my *sob story* life that sucks, but I'm working on all that positivity crap, and so I'm not about to delve into terrible moments that makes the darkness flood back in. My point is, you know all about what's going on with her, so why the hell are you pining after her? I love her, sure, but I also love you, in that really close-friends, I-know-what-you-were-doing-last-night way. I don't want to mess that up. It's no good for you, and for that matter, it's no good for her, either.
So why can't you just fucking let it go already? I know she doesn't like you that way, so for the love of God, just find someone else.
Of course, being the stubborn but lovable brat you are (AHEM!) you won't listen to me. Fine, then. And even though I'd love to say I won't be here if and when she breaks your heart, I know I will.
So, on that extremely happy note, I have one last parting gift: haven't all your hospital experiences and Victor School experiences taught you that dating another crazy person is a terrible thing to do? Not to mention completely idiotic?! We're in that school for a reason, hon, and even though I love my school more than most anything, we're not there 'cause we're normal.
Then again, what the hell is normal? Normal starts to seem like an insult, doesn't it?
Don't get me wrong, I don't love you in that way. And I know you're a strong, independent (well, mostly), 'I take no bullshit' guy. I get that, and I respect it as well. But, come on. I know you, and I know for a FACT that you don't need some airhead girlfriend to 'boost your self-esteem.' (Even if said girl isn't that much of an airhead.)
Okay, well, maybe I should just come out and say it; it's not going to come out any other way, is it? Sigh. You like her. Yeah, she's my friend. Yeah, she's nice. She's smart and cool and funny and real likeable. Great. You know what else she is? She's emotionally damaged, totally on a roller coaster of emotions. She's also got secrets that can really give you a run for your money, and as if that isn't enough, she's in a bad enough place that even though she knows it's wrong, she could still...well, take advantage of your vulnerability.
Seriously? You're vulnerable all because you don't have a girlfriend? As your unofficial 'little sister' I can tell you right now that's bull shit. BULL SHIT!
And as for my statement made above, I'd like to elaborate on it. When I said you-know-who was 'emotionally damaged' that wasn't--well, it wasn't supposed to be--meant as an insult. By any means. Because let me tell you something, bro. I'm emotionally damaged for Pete's sake! I'm pretty sure everyone is, at least at some time in their (hopefully) long life. I could go into everything about my *sob story* life that sucks, but I'm working on all that positivity crap, and so I'm not about to delve into terrible moments that makes the darkness flood back in. My point is, you know all about what's going on with her, so why the hell are you pining after her? I love her, sure, but I also love you, in that really close-friends, I-know-what-you-were-doing-last-night way. I don't want to mess that up. It's no good for you, and for that matter, it's no good for her, either.
So why can't you just fucking let it go already? I know she doesn't like you that way, so for the love of God, just find someone else.
Of course, being the stubborn but lovable brat you are (AHEM!) you won't listen to me. Fine, then. And even though I'd love to say I won't be here if and when she breaks your heart, I know I will.
So, on that extremely happy note, I have one last parting gift: haven't all your hospital experiences and Victor School experiences taught you that dating another crazy person is a terrible thing to do? Not to mention completely idiotic?! We're in that school for a reason, hon, and even though I love my school more than most anything, we're not there 'cause we're normal.
Then again, what the hell is normal? Normal starts to seem like an insult, doesn't it?
Sunday, December 8, 2013
You have to help yourself before I can help you
You know what I hate? I hate when someone says, "Oh, don't worry about it. It's totally fine!"
Even when it isn't. It's just another way of secretly saying, "You hurt and upset me, but I'll just pretend it was okay so we can move on with our lives."
Really? Really, you thought you could just shake something like that off and pretend it was nothing? Try and save yourself the emotional pain?
Hell, while you're at it, you might as well sell your voice to Ursula, too. Maybe then you could express your displeasure and hurt to me in a different way. Instead of just writing it off like it was nothing.
News Flash! I've learned the hard way that things never just 'go away.' They just don't. It's a proven fact, like that Daddy Long Legs aren't poisonous to humans and that bears are carnivores.
Alternatively, hard, difficult-to-explain-and-understand issues are the reasons (or parts of them, anyway) that we struggle in life as we do. Waving problems away doesn't get rid of them, not for a minute.
No. It just prolongs the suffering. The pain. The emotional and mental and even physical heartbreak.
So my question is, what are you waiting for? Why don't you just tell me? Nothing can get worse at this point...nowhere else to go but up, right?
I ask you this: why, when you can end the suffering, do you still choose to feel pain?
Even when it isn't. It's just another way of secretly saying, "You hurt and upset me, but I'll just pretend it was okay so we can move on with our lives."
Really? Really, you thought you could just shake something like that off and pretend it was nothing? Try and save yourself the emotional pain?
Hell, while you're at it, you might as well sell your voice to Ursula, too. Maybe then you could express your displeasure and hurt to me in a different way. Instead of just writing it off like it was nothing.
News Flash! I've learned the hard way that things never just 'go away.' They just don't. It's a proven fact, like that Daddy Long Legs aren't poisonous to humans and that bears are carnivores.
Alternatively, hard, difficult-to-explain-and-understand issues are the reasons (or parts of them, anyway) that we struggle in life as we do. Waving problems away doesn't get rid of them, not for a minute.
No. It just prolongs the suffering. The pain. The emotional and mental and even physical heartbreak.
So my question is, what are you waiting for? Why don't you just tell me? Nothing can get worse at this point...nowhere else to go but up, right?
I ask you this: why, when you can end the suffering, do you still choose to feel pain?
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