Directionless Direction

Lying on my bed staring at the stars,
Wondering about my future.
So unclear, so foggy and terrifyingly undefined,
I find myself breaking under the pressures,
Of living like I know what's going on.

I watch the strangers walk in and out of my heart,
Throwing it away like a disposable garbage bag.
Is that all I am, a piece of trash that was so neglected,
So neglected, in fact, you couldn't be bothered to throw me away?
What have I done to deserve this?
Is this my questionable punishment,
Solitary confinement in a space of dismal hatred?

If I could choose my fate,
It sure as hell wouldn't be in the hands of someone as cruel as you.
I'm just a decoy,
Possession of the person I trusted most.
Bait for when the time comes when you choose to screw me over.

Why do I feel so surprised,
So betrayed?
Setting myself up for heartbreak in the beginning,
I should have known better,
And obviously I haven't learned a damn thing since I first met you.
You've taught me much, though,
How to put up my defenses and block out the insults.
It isn't so easy,
But you'd think I'd have known that by now.

Slow to pick things up,
Slower to leave them behind and make up for the mistakes of my past.
You laugh silently,
At my inability to learn by experience and move on.
But no, I'm stuck in this labyrinth of guilt, confusion, and abyss of uncertainness.

Locked up,
You threw away the key,
I rattle the bars of my cage, cursing you,
When all I get in response is a cold, unresponsive silence.
You're here,
Even when you're not,
And I cannot erase your presence,
Even though I'd like to not only erase you
But kick you out of existence.

If only things could be so simple!
But alas, life doesn't work that way.
Can't believe my stupidity sometimes,
And I'm lucky not to have died by now.

Funny thing, though:
You abandoned me,
Yet every single waking moment is spent
Agonizing over your every move,
Wondering if I can live in your everlasting shadow.

The simple answer,
Lies beneath the pile of lies and half-truths,
But it is impossible to sift through
The weight of your deception.
Thought by now I'd have left you hanging.

Guess I did not pick up on the message
I'd received fifty thousand times before.

Sad how unsurprised I am.