I'm Pulling My Hair Out as I Write This

"Just kill me now. Please? Are we there yet? We HAVE  to be there! We've been in this fricking car for hours! Let me out! I'm going to die if I have to be in this car one more minute than I have to be, listening to Emma belt out "We're All in This Together." Unlock the car doors and let me out! NOW!!"--From Finding Normal, my Novel-In-Progress

 

I take back everything I wrote in my last post. I wish I could just erase it, but frankly, I worked way too hard on that post just to delete it a day later. So I'm not going to. Too. Much. Work.

 

I hate feeling weak; as if I'm as mentally-and emotionally-less able than others--but I am. I hate boys. To hell with Him. To hell with all of it! I'm officially writing boys off my agenda. Not that they ever were, of course, but I never wanted to be one of those girls. You know, the ones who wake up, drawing a big pink heart marking the one-week anniversary of their relationship's beginning; whose hearts go pitter-patter when they see their Him in the hallways, blah, blah, blah.

 

In fact, here's a play-by-play of today's Annoying Fest:

 

FIRST PERIOD

 

Me: Ugh. Another day. Where's Mr. G?

 

Brian: Don't know. Don't really care.

 

Me: You're not going to bring up the 'Herpes' thing again, are you?

 

Brian: Well, now that you've reminded me... (evil grin)

 

Me: I hate you.

 

Brian: (arches eyebrow): Are you sure about that?

 

Me: Yes. I am completely, certifiably, 100% sure.

 

Brian: 'Cause I don't think you do. Look me in the eyes and see if you can say it in blunt honesty. C'mon, let's see it!

 

Me: (gasping in relief when I see Mr. G, new kid, and Kelly walk in): Mr. Gardner, I feel extremely triggered. Might I take a lap or two?

 

Brian: (sighing and rolling eyes): Oh. My. God, Katie! Get a sense of humor already.

 

Me: You are such an asshole, Brian! Mr. G, please?

 

**SECOND PERIOD, THIRD PERIOD, FOURTH PERIOD, FIFTH PERIOD, SIXTH PERIOD PASS** 

SEVENTH PERIOD

 

Brian: Herpes, Katie! Herpes, herpes, herpes!

 

Me: Are you done yet, Brian?

 

Brian: Hmm. Let me think...Am I done? Hmm...I think not.

 

***TIME PASSES***

 

Mr. R: Okay, guys--I think we've done everything I wanted us to accomplish, so how about a nice little debate?

 

Brian: (chuckling sarcastically): Good luck with THAT one, Mr. R. Last time we tried that, my little sister over there got a little, uh, 'passionate,' and Ms. H had to have a 'chat' with her.

 

Me: Brian. Please-stop. I'm begging you. You don't know boundaries, do you? You just don't! I'm not invincible to your teasing, ya know. Please stop, Brian, I can't--

 

Mr. R: Katie, please calm down. I'm sure Brian didn't mean anything cruel--

 

Brian: Au Contraire, Mr. Rogulski! I did, in fact, mean to tease her.

 

Me: You want to know something?! This is no longer just teasing--not when you make it a point to keep going after I ask you to stop.

 

Brian: Jesus, Katie, get a sense of humor!!

 

Me: Sorry. Mine flew out of the window just as soon as you said those words. (to Mr. R) Can I please take a couple of laps?

 

Brian: I was just kidding, Katie!

 

Me: Sorry, 'bro.' After a while, 'just kidding' isn't kidding anymore. It's an excuse. It's an excuse to keep 'teasing' someone who, oh yeah, has asked you politely to stop. Leave me alone, okay?

 

Brian: (silenced)

 

Me: Thanks, Mr. R. See you Monday, okay?"

 

I hate Brian. I hate boys. I hate Mr. G for telling us about bacteria and the fact that when you have Chicken Pox when you're a child you automatically have the herpes virus inside you.

 

Most of all, I hate feeling like I'm on some ride I can't get off. Sort of, in fact, like being a car during a family road trip, with your parents listening to the OLD oldies, and your siblings driving you up the wall...

 

What's weird is that I used to like that. But not anymore. I'm done. I really am done.

 

 

 



The Best Thing To Listen To When You Want To Be Loved!

Here's to all those boys out there who have to go and do THAT.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside and mess you up."--Neil Gaiman

 

Love is a complicated thing. So complicated, in fact, that you very slowly feel like you are dying, perhaps inside, while outwards your body is quickly dissolving.

 

Maybe this is why a long time ago I said to myself, "You are never, ever, ever going to get married. No falling in love. No liking boys. No liking girls. No liking any person as more than a friend. No, no, no, NO. It will destroy you!"

 

Funny how that didn't much solve the issue now, did it? Maybe back then I was so foolish that I thought telling myself not to like anyone as more than a friend would actually stop it from happening.

 

Oh, how utterly delusional I was. And apparently, still am. I don't remember much about how it happened, but now...?

 

I think the first time I realized just how much I liked him was the beginning of last year, when I walked into first-period physics and saw Him sitting there. No, not God. Him--as in, that guy that knows you so well he's just...he just deserves a Capital H.

 

I dumped my stuff down next to my desk and took off my hoodie, searching the room for our teacher. "Where's--?" I began, getting cut off by Brian's:

 

"I ate him."

 

I looked over at him and blinked. "Um...what did you just say?"

 

He smirked, like he was so terribly happy to be able to explain this thing to me. "I said, I ate him. I was really hungry, and all we had in our house for breakfast foods were Cheerios. Bleh. I HATE Cheerios."

 

"So...you decided to eat Mr. Gardner?" I asked dubiously, giving him a questioning look that he promptly returned with a "why are you questioning my authority?" glare. "I don't think he appreciated it."

 

Brian shrugged. Soon, more people arrived: this girl I barely knew, Emily, this kid I knew a bit better, Dakota, and another girl, one who looked like she was on good terms with Him.

 

Now let's just get this one thing straight: by no means was I jealous. Absolutely not. I just thought he was funny--a bit annoying, yes, but funny he was--and noticed that the girl, Jenna, was probably dating him.

 

And aren't I just so smart?

 

Mr. Gardner quickly came in, and I said, "Jesus, Mr. Gardner! How did you ever recover from Brian's rampant appetite?"

 

Mr. G took one glance at me and then at Brian, and said, "Strong immune system, I suppose."

 

Brian laughed loudly and Jenna goes, "Yeah, Brian. Couldn't you have just eaten something real for breakfast? Like pancakes or something?"

 

"Nah. Too much effort. Because that'd require having to get out the griddle, then the ingredients, then plates, then I have to stand there and wait for them, and then I actually have to eat it..."

 

I stared at him in astonishment. "Really now? The hardest part is eating it?" I sat back in my chair and waited for Mr. Gardner to start today's lesson. It took about five minutes, but eventually he did.

 

"Today we're learning the building blocks of physics, which is ironically something we do by starting with Chemistry. Now let me tell you all about the Table of Elements, a scientist's best friend..."

 

CUT TO NOW

 

"Guess who has herpes, Mr. R!" Brian says, waltzing into English while I groan and shake my head wildly as in, NO. Figures that Mr. Douchebag wouldn't get the message.

 

"Um, what?" Mr. Rogulski says, staring at Brian is confusion. Now normally I'd say "um, what" isn't exactly worthy of an English teacher's job position, but I can't really blame him: Brian did seem pretty out of his mind.

 

That is, if you weren't me.

 

"Brian, no--" I start to protest, naturally getting cut off.

 

"Katie does!" Brian says gleefully. While Mr. R looks from me to Brian to me to Brian again, I quickly say, "Not that type of herpes! It's-it's like something from getting chicken pox when I was younger, and--"

 

Brian is laughing hysterically, and I find myself wanting to strangle him to cut off his vocal cords.

 

"You, my friend," I mutter angrily under my breath to him, "Are going to be in so much trouble after school is over. You can bet on it."

 

Brian just looks at me with this goofy grin on his face and I fight the urge to smile. No. He will not get the better of me!

 

At least, not if I can help it.

 

Burning holes through his skull, I take my seat at the opposite end of the classroom, while he continues to push my buttons. "Asshole!" I say loudly, to which Mr. R, of course, gets wind of.

 

"Excuse me?" he says, a smile upturning the corners of his mouth. "Did you have something to tell the class, Katie?"

 

Brian is smirking in his seat, and it takes all my willpower not to look at him. "No, Mr. R."

 

The whole class is paying attention now, and I bury my head in my hoodie.

 

I can't do work, though-all I can do is try to avoid thinking about my feelings for Brian and his feelings for me.

 

'Cause no matter how much I might want to deny it, I like him, and he likes me.

 

Crap.

 

Whatever just happened to being friends with boys?! Just. Friends. Is there even such a thing anymore?

 

I'm not sure I know. I wonder if the line's been blurred for so long that maybe there's not even a line there anymore. It wouldn't be all that surprising.

 

 

 

 

 



AnNoYIng PEopLE: PLATINUM EDITION--Act I, Scene I

 

In this post, I'm officially going to write in red, as I'm in that in-between stage: in the middle of angry and confusion (NOT a good combination, let me tell you).

 

The Story of Today, in a play I like to call:

 

Annoying People: Platinum Edition

 

Characters:

*Mia: Best friend in question (?); officially driving me nuts; making me regret making the promise to support her in whatever decision she stupidly makes

 

*Kaitlin: Innocent friend who constantly gets blamed for things she had no part of; feels used and unimportant, especially when she tries her hardest to fix things between her and Mia (*) and ends up getting backlashed for it

 

*Nicola: Friend to both *Kaitlin and *Mia who remains nonjudgmental but as of lately begins to question friendship with *Mia or at least debate the usefulness of continuing to befriend Mia (*) or if it's more trouble and stress than it's worth in the long run; especially good friend to Kaitlin (*) and close confidant

 

*Arden: physical male abuser in school who is seemingly innocent but who has done more wrongs in a five month period than most do in a lifetime. Arden (*) also has been trying to 'recruit' (as it were) Mia (*) which is worrisome to Mia's (*) friends who are trying to save her the depressing fall but who aren't being listened to and are instead getting yelled at for trying to help

 

*Chris: outside force; in the process of launching investigation of Arden (*) to try to get him kicked out of school (for a good reason, mind you!) and make *Victoria (school name) a safer and more comfortable place for Victoria's (*) student population.

 

Act I, Scene I:

 

Scene opens with the song "Everybody talks" by Neon Trees as school starts for the day. *Kaitlin enters Stage Left through hallway to morning meeting room; bumps into *Arden on en route to seat in lunchroom. *Mia and *Nicola arrive much later, about two minutes before class starts at Victoria. And...ACTION!

 

*Kaitlin: (smiling and chatting with already-arrived students) "My weekend was SO boring! What'd YOU do? Something better than doing homework, I hope?" (pauses; listening) "Yeah, tell me something I don't know!"

 

*Arden: (entering morning meeting room with arm slung over shoulder of yet another two-day girlfriend)"How was...(conspiratorially lowering voice in a not-so-subtle whisper) "You know...it?" (girl whispers in ear, giggling girlishly; Arden (*) smiles smugly and lowers arm closer to girl's butt)"Bummer! We can get together...if you want."

 

(*Mia and *Nicola enter morning meeting room, and *Mia puts lunch in fridge while *Nicola greets *Kaitlin)

 

*Nicola: "Howdy, cowgirl!"

 

*Kaitlin: (wincing)"Please tell me you didn't just say what I thought you said...PLEASE."

 

(*Nicola laughs at *Kaitlin's uncomfortable look)

 

*Nicola: "Sorry, Kaitlin. Couldn't resist on that one. Might we try this one again?"

 

*Kaitlin: (grinning goofily)"Yes, please...partner."

 

(*Nicola and *Kaitlin share a laugh until *Mia comes over and joins in the conversation)

 

*Mia: "What are you guys chuckling about over here?" (Looks around as if the kids in the meeting room's faces will supply the answer)"Seriously, though. What's going on? I hate feeling left out!"

 

(Nicola and Kaitlin (**) share questioning glances but say "nothing" in unison, earning them a dubious look from *Mia)

 

*Mia: (uncertainly)"Um, well...uh, okay, then. Mind if I go chat with *Arden?"

(Synchronized silence from *K & *N as they stare at *M)

 

*Mia: (awkwardly)"So that's a yes?" (laughs nervously) "Okay, then. See you guys later!"

 

(*N & *K wave and say 'bye' but *M is long gone before the words escape their mouths)

 

*Nicola: "Is it just me, or is something strange going on with *Mia? She's acting...really weird. Do you know something I don't?"

 

(*Kaitlin shakes head vehemently)

 

*Kaitlin: (shrugging sort of bitterly) "Nope, sure don't. She used to tell me everything. But now? I dunno anymore...it's weird. I don't know anything that's going on in her life, and I'm not sure if that's a relief or if it's really worrying."

 

*Nicola: (puts reassuring hand on *Kaitlin's shoulder) "I wouldn't worry about it too much, K. If something bad is truly happening, I'm sure she'd tell you about it." (When *K doesn't respond, *N looks worried and taps *K's arm reluctantly) "*Kaitlin? Even if she's told you something, I don't want to know...I just don't want you to worry yourself insane because *Mia's acting off lately. Maybe something's going on and she's just refrained from telling you 'cause she's afraid of your reaction. You know...maybe she's not ready for *Kaitlin's Words of Wisdom yet."

 

*Kaitlin: (shrugging noncommittally) "You might be right, I suppose. But...I don't know. I just have this gut feeling I've done something wrong...and I don't know what. I think that's what's bugging me crazy: the fact that I don't know a thing about my best friend's life and how she's holding up, and yet a creepy guy whose done a whole lot of bad things in a real short amount of time knows everything. Maybe...maybe I'm not her friend. And if so--why?"

 

 

*Nicola: (shakes her head, as if disagreeing; disputing *Kaitlin's theory) "I don't know what's happening with her, *K, but I'm almost positive it's not your fault. I don't know what you could have done."

 

(*Kaitlin laughs bitterly.)

 

*Kaitlin: "Ha. You got THAT one straight, *Nicola. If I knew what was wrong, I could just forget about it and move on. But she's making it virtually impossible! It's like she's crushing my soul with her secrecy! I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!"

 

(People in the vicinity of the lunch room look up curiously at *Kaitlin's outburst)

 

*Kaitlin: (blushing furiously)"Dear God! Why do people always have to listen when I talk about this stuff? It's driving me crazy!!"

 

*Nicola: (lays a gentle hand on *Kaitlin's arm) "Class is about to start, *K. My English class is over by your Science class...want to walk over together?"

 

(*Kaitlin smiles at *Nicola and they playfully link arms and strut down the hallway, looking like they own the place)

 

*Kaitlin: "And this is how I got lucky in the friend department. See ya later, *N. Catch you at lunch? Outside in the farthest from the door lunch table?"

 

(*Nicola nods and hurries down hallway)

 

--*Kaitlin smiles to herself and plops her bag onto the tile floor, her mind temporarily off the *Mia Situation...until next period, when *Arden and *Mia are blatantly staring *Kaitlin in the face)

 

*Scene Ends*--Act I, Scene I

 

(Science teacher starts lecture on the history of the earth and the song, "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" plays. *Fade out* with a bird-view of the class. *Voices grow silent* *Music is only thing that is breaking the silence* *Fade to black*

 

SCENE ENDS

 

 

Look for Installment Scene II soon!!

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Why Guys Make Better Friends Than Girls

 

"A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you."--Elbert Hubbard

Girls, girl drama, rumors, whispers, girls whispering rumors to one another, secretive glances at each other...Drive. Me. Nuts!

Luckily, this has all gotten progressively better in the past, oh, five days, but girls just can't spend a day without spreading gossip, true or not, and I always want to shout and go, "Can you please shut UP?"

But no, they can't, though from laziness or a genuine inability to keep themselves from whispering said gossip to others remains undetermined. What I constantly marvel at, though, is why girls can't seem to form intelligent conversations with one another?

To me, I mostly hear something like:

 Diva Friend 1: "So, like, oh my God, yesterday Angela got asked out-"

Diva Friend 2: "Oh my God! By who?!"

Me: "Does it matter?"

Diva Friend 2: "Well, God, Katie! Of COURSE it matters who Angela is dating! Because I heard she got asked out by-"

Diva Friend 1: "William Shakespeare!"

Me: "Um, guys? That's a playwright from the 1500s...he's not exactly alive and datable, if you know what I mean-"

Diva Friend 1: "Oh, Katie, you are so silly! I mean that kid who wrote that play for our English class!"

Me: *Groans and puts hands over her eyes*

Diva Friend 2: "Like, totally! Oh my gosh, William Shakespeare is SO dreamy! I'd totally love to get into his pants..."

Me: "Ugh, I lost my appetite. Have fun you guys."

Diva Friends 1 & 2: "'Kay, then, Katie! Bye!" *Pause* "Don't tell Angela what we were saying, okay? She doesn't need to know."

Me: *Fake smile* "Of course. My lips are sealed."

Although, even as I had quite a sarcastic tone going on, I was still serious. Unlike them, I have no problem with keeping my lips firmly closed with a secret.

Amazing how my gossip 'friends' got told more secrets that they unleashed ten minutes later than I got with my lips sealed for eternity.

Really, what's up with that? Not that I'm terribly depressed not knowing that Person A had it going on in the janitor's closet or that Person Q just got plastic surgery for her dog, but seriously--I, out of anyone, should know these things! When people go to gossip queens as secret keepers, they're either totally misinformed and/or ignorant, or they just want everyone to know it.

Either way, this brings me to the main focus of my post's title: boys really do make better friends than girls. I always used to remember being told that when girls get into arguments with each other, they go to making each other miserable as revenge. Secretive, bitchy, and totally uncalled for. Boys, as I was told, beat each other up or got into an arm wrestling match to prove who's more macho and then pigged out on food and played video games for five hours.

Honestly, this isn't too far-fetched when you look at boys vs. girls. So that's why, for most of my life, I've enjoyed the company of guys much better than diva girls. Hey, whoever I can hang out with who know my idiosyncrasies, let me eat as much as I want, actually listen to my problems (and don't pass it off to anyone else afterwards!) and still like me anyway is a good friend in my book.

And to hell with anyone who disagrees!