The Suckish Reality of My Suckish Existence

At around 7:15 I got this text from my friend Maya: would you be super mad if I dated Brian?

Brian, who I have loved and crushed on for so long (and who will never return my feelings), Brian who makes me laugh, who makes me cry, who is the only person who can simultaneously make me laugh while I'm crying on the inside.

Brian, who Maya now wants to date. Maybe, if I wasn't heartbroken over him I'd be fine with it. Maybe, if Maya hadn't said, "I DON'T--AND WILL NEVER--LIKE BRIAN THAT WAY!" and then changed her mind fifty billion times.

I really wanted to write back: why, yes, Maya, I would be very mad. Superbly, completely, entirely, irreversibly mad. Does that answer your question?

Instead, I gave a stupid, I'm-too-nice-to-tell-the-truth answer: It would make me feel heartbroken.

Heartbroken! HEARTBROKEN! Like it even matters? Let's face the truth, my heart will be more than broken if Brian chooses her over me. I was actually becoming accustomed to the idea of just being friends with him. I could have made it work.

But now...this changes everything. Those little, unimportant nine words on their own don't mean anything. But put those together and you get a recipe for my worst nightmare.

The worst thing is, Brian has been drooling (it's true) over her since he pretty much first met her. I can't imagine facing Brian and acting like everything's fine. Brian tries to be a nice guy, but I know, inside, that if he were faced with a choice of stay girlfriend-less or date Maya, he'd go to her.

Also, I know, that if it came down to me as his best friend or Maya as his girlfriend, as my dad says, Brian would choose Maya.

He's right. And why wouldn't he be?

I guess my pathetic, idiotic, broken heart just wants to deny, deny, deny.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Sometimes

Sometimes I believe I can fly. Sometimes I spread my wings and soar through the sky. But it's when I wander too close to the sun that I get burned. 

We like to think we're invulnerable, that we cannot be harmed. But I can tell you that these types of thoughts simply add to our vulnerability. All the pain I've endured in my mere sixteen years has been elevated by that feeling of invincibility, that idea that nothing can touch me.

No matter where you go, loss will follow you. You can and will lose things you love most. Believing you will not is a foolish ideal I do not recommend harboring.

Have I made mistakes? Have I lost that which I love most? Certainly. I used to think perservering, putting a show- no- emotion expression on in the face of tragedy was a true sign of bravery.

It's not. It's weak, denying your feelings passage. It's a cop out. You cannot expect to solve anything by running away. To stand and look them in the eye and deal with it- -THAT is true bravery.