"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched--they must be felt with the heart." -Helen Keller
Yes, I know--I'm deep.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Friday, January 8, 2016
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Wake Me Up When September Ends
I guess life doesn't always work out in our favor. Relationships fall apart, hearts are shattered, lives are taken, tears are shed.
Yet we're supposed to always get up, shake it off, move on. Why are you so incapable of just dealing with it like the rest of us? the rest of the human population's eyes seem to say to me.
Yeah, I'm aware that having mental health issues doesn't excuse me from dealing with reality. I know I can't just check out when the going gets tough. I know. I've been told that so many times that by now, it's constantly throwing itself at me, a big neon sign saying "GET OVER YOURSELF."
There is nothing better than telling someone something and having them reply, "Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way."
Like I'm not justified? Like I'm being melodramatic? Seriously?! That is so frustrating to me. I'm sure some of them don't mean it that way, but it just pisses me off. It's an automatic answer, like the kind you'd get on an answering machine. Robotic, practiced.
Well you know what? I've had it! I hate these people that pretend mental health doesn't exist. I hate these people that have lingering stigma about an issue they know nothing about!! How dare you criticize me when you know absolutely nothing about my life?
But no matter. I will say one thing, however. It hurts. And nothing can change that.
Yet we're supposed to always get up, shake it off, move on. Why are you so incapable of just dealing with it like the rest of us? the rest of the human population's eyes seem to say to me.
Yeah, I'm aware that having mental health issues doesn't excuse me from dealing with reality. I know I can't just check out when the going gets tough. I know. I've been told that so many times that by now, it's constantly throwing itself at me, a big neon sign saying "GET OVER YOURSELF."
There is nothing better than telling someone something and having them reply, "Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way."
Like I'm not justified? Like I'm being melodramatic? Seriously?! That is so frustrating to me. I'm sure some of them don't mean it that way, but it just pisses me off. It's an automatic answer, like the kind you'd get on an answering machine. Robotic, practiced.
Well you know what? I've had it! I hate these people that pretend mental health doesn't exist. I hate these people that have lingering stigma about an issue they know nothing about!! How dare you criticize me when you know absolutely nothing about my life?
But no matter. I will say one thing, however. It hurts. And nothing can change that.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Battle Scarred
There are those times in your life when things seem like they'll never get better, not ever. They're dismal, make you feel dead inside, uninspired. How do I know this? I've been there. Trust me, I know how it feels when the darkness creeps in, surrounding you, choking the life and joy out of everything.
I know what it feels like to have the happiness leak out of your world, when everything becomes a dull, dreary, depressing gray. When sometimes, life doesn't seem worth living for.
Those days when you lose faith in people, that's the worst. Because who do you depend on? People. Who do you count on to always have your back, to never look the other way when you're in trouble? Who do you count on when the going gets rough and nothing makes sense?
People.
And when you don't believe in the good of humanity anymore, what's left, besides emptiness? Besides an abyss a hundred miles away that has no end, which you just continue to fall through? When you forget what happiness looks likes, that's when things tend to fall apart.
When a tiny part of you...dies. Just crumbles. Tears apart. Splits open.
I speak from experience, the experience of knowing exactly what goes through your mind when that happens.
I do know. I know all of it. Every emotions, every thought, every tear.
It never failed. And it never will.
I know what it feels like to have the happiness leak out of your world, when everything becomes a dull, dreary, depressing gray. When sometimes, life doesn't seem worth living for.
Those days when you lose faith in people, that's the worst. Because who do you depend on? People. Who do you count on to always have your back, to never look the other way when you're in trouble? Who do you count on when the going gets rough and nothing makes sense?
People.
And when you don't believe in the good of humanity anymore, what's left, besides emptiness? Besides an abyss a hundred miles away that has no end, which you just continue to fall through? When you forget what happiness looks likes, that's when things tend to fall apart.
When a tiny part of you...dies. Just crumbles. Tears apart. Splits open.
I speak from experience, the experience of knowing exactly what goes through your mind when that happens.
I do know. I know all of it. Every emotions, every thought, every tear.
It never failed. And it never will.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
It's Called Being a Freaking Teenager
"If I got money every single time someone asked me why I was so moody, I'd be richer than Donald Trump." ~ Me
Which is, unfortunately, the truth. Take yesterday, for example. My mom takes one look at me, goes, "Why are you dressed like that? You used to dress so nicely!"
Deadpanning, I went, "It's called being a junior in high school," which I guess isn't exactly true. The fact that I dress about as nicely as a trash bag more days has to do more with my jam-packed, stressful schedule, than the fact I'm still going through the hormonal nightmare that is Being a Teenager. Still, I can't wait to become a young adult. I mean, granted, I'd love to go back to being, like, eleven, but since we haven't invented time travel yet, going back in time is somewhat of an impossibility.
Imagine that!
Anyhow, I hate how my clinician will ask me, "Are you okay, Katie? Because lately your mood has been in a constant flux."
What he's really asking is, "Are you crazy? Do you need a med change? A hospitalization?"
AS A MATTER OF FACT, DR. OZ, I DO NOT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT'S CALLED BEING A FREAKING TEENAGER! WE GO THROUGH MOOD SWINGS. IT'S A THING! YOU WERE MY AGE ONCE, YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES! SO DON'T TELL ME I'M 'UNSTABLE' BECAUSE I WILL DROP-KICK YOUR ASS!!!
Saturday, October 18, 2014
The Suckish Reality of My Suckish Existence
At around 7:15 I got this text from my friend Maya: would you be super mad if I dated Brian?
Brian, who I have loved and crushed on for so long (and who will never return my feelings), Brian who makes me laugh, who makes me cry, who is the only person who can simultaneously make me laugh while I'm crying on the inside.
Brian, who Maya now wants to date. Maybe, if I wasn't heartbroken over him I'd be fine with it. Maybe, if Maya hadn't said, "I DON'T--AND WILL NEVER--LIKE BRIAN THAT WAY!" and then changed her mind fifty billion times.
I really wanted to write back: why, yes, Maya, I would be very mad. Superbly, completely, entirely, irreversibly mad. Does that answer your question?
Instead, I gave a stupid, I'm-too-nice-to-tell-the-truth answer: It would make me feel heartbroken.
Heartbroken! HEARTBROKEN! Like it even matters? Let's face the truth, my heart will be more than broken if Brian chooses her over me. I was actually becoming accustomed to the idea of just being friends with him. I could have made it work.
But now...this changes everything. Those little, unimportant nine words on their own don't mean anything. But put those together and you get a recipe for my worst nightmare.
The worst thing is, Brian has been drooling (it's true) over her since he pretty much first met her. I can't imagine facing Brian and acting like everything's fine. Brian tries to be a nice guy, but I know, inside, that if he were faced with a choice of stay girlfriend-less or date Maya, he'd go to her.
Also, I know, that if it came down to me as his best friend or Maya as his girlfriend, as my dad says, Brian would choose Maya.
He's right. And why wouldn't he be?
I guess my pathetic, idiotic, broken heart just wants to deny, deny, deny.
Wouldn't be the first time.
Brian, who I have loved and crushed on for so long (and who will never return my feelings), Brian who makes me laugh, who makes me cry, who is the only person who can simultaneously make me laugh while I'm crying on the inside.
Brian, who Maya now wants to date. Maybe, if I wasn't heartbroken over him I'd be fine with it. Maybe, if Maya hadn't said, "I DON'T--AND WILL NEVER--LIKE BRIAN THAT WAY!" and then changed her mind fifty billion times.
I really wanted to write back: why, yes, Maya, I would be very mad. Superbly, completely, entirely, irreversibly mad. Does that answer your question?
Instead, I gave a stupid, I'm-too-nice-to-tell-the-truth answer: It would make me feel heartbroken.
Heartbroken! HEARTBROKEN! Like it even matters? Let's face the truth, my heart will be more than broken if Brian chooses her over me. I was actually becoming accustomed to the idea of just being friends with him. I could have made it work.
But now...this changes everything. Those little, unimportant nine words on their own don't mean anything. But put those together and you get a recipe for my worst nightmare.
The worst thing is, Brian has been drooling (it's true) over her since he pretty much first met her. I can't imagine facing Brian and acting like everything's fine. Brian tries to be a nice guy, but I know, inside, that if he were faced with a choice of stay girlfriend-less or date Maya, he'd go to her.
Also, I know, that if it came down to me as his best friend or Maya as his girlfriend, as my dad says, Brian would choose Maya.
He's right. And why wouldn't he be?
I guess my pathetic, idiotic, broken heart just wants to deny, deny, deny.
Wouldn't be the first time.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Sometimes
Sometimes I believe I can fly. Sometimes I spread my wings and soar through the sky. But it's when I wander too close to the sun that I get burned.
We like to think we're invulnerable, that we cannot be harmed. But I can tell you that these types of thoughts simply add to our vulnerability. All the pain I've endured in my mere sixteen years has been elevated by that feeling of invincibility, that idea that nothing can touch me.
No matter where you go, loss will follow you. You can and will lose things you love most. Believing you will not is a foolish ideal I do not recommend harboring.
Have I made mistakes? Have I lost that which I love most? Certainly. I used to think perservering, putting a show- no- emotion expression on in the face of tragedy was a true sign of bravery.
It's not. It's weak, denying your feelings passage. It's a cop out. You cannot expect to solve anything by running away. To stand and look them in the eye and deal with it- -THAT is true bravery.
We like to think we're invulnerable, that we cannot be harmed. But I can tell you that these types of thoughts simply add to our vulnerability. All the pain I've endured in my mere sixteen years has been elevated by that feeling of invincibility, that idea that nothing can touch me.
No matter where you go, loss will follow you. You can and will lose things you love most. Believing you will not is a foolish ideal I do not recommend harboring.
Have I made mistakes? Have I lost that which I love most? Certainly. I used to think perservering, putting a show- no- emotion expression on in the face of tragedy was a true sign of bravery.
It's not. It's weak, denying your feelings passage. It's a cop out. You cannot expect to solve anything by running away. To stand and look them in the eye and deal with it- -THAT is true bravery.
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